So after months of bitching about how bad Avatar is I finally decided to see it. Well it didn’t disappoint that’s for sure. I can honestly say it was one of, if not the worst movie I have ever seen……

Ok fanboy did that piss you off? Are you done yelling at the screen now. If you are still with me I will explain why. Also there are no “spoilers” in this post because the movie was so predictable only a retard would “not see that coming” before they even walked in to the movie. Now that I just got all the fanboys out of the way and people who have Na’vi tattoos are contemplating suicide because Earth isn’t as cool as the Avatar world, lets get rid of a few more people before I start. If you think this movie revolutionized CGI and you don’t look for ANY substance in a movie other then eye candy then you need to fuck off too because nothing I say about the movie is going to change your little mind about how shiny the spoon is. Also enough with how great the cats looked. (See Gollum NINE years ago!).

I’d like to start off by saying that this movie wasn’t in 3D but it was in 4D. The fourth dimension would be the massive plot holes you jump though throughout the movie. But I have to say The 3D was totally worth it! I had to grab my chair because it felt like I was actually falling through every plot hole. The first of which I will point out is “Unobtainium”. For those who haven’t seen the movie, “unobtainium” is this rock like substance which is worth $20,000,000 a kg (that’s 2.2lbs for all of us in the USA and don’t know anything about drugs). The thing about “unobtainium” that pisses me off in this movie is they never explain why it’s so valuable. It’s just “we need it”. Why? What’s it for? Why is it so important you’d wipe out a whole race of blue cat people for? Which brings me to another point. Somewhere in the movie someone says that Earth is no longer green with trees or some shit like that. Giving the impression that Earth is a little fucked up. Now going along with the feeling of the movie it’s probably something white corporate America did, yet of course, we didn’t learn anything so we decide to do the same shit on this other planet for this unobtainium crap. At this point I think maybe finding some space trees may be a little more valuable for Earth and it’s survival, but again I have no idea what unobtainium is/does so maybe it grows space trees and will help us be a happy green planet again.

The next thing that sucks is Jake. Again for those who don’t know Jake is the crippled twin brother of a dead Marine who was suppose to be in this movie. I guess since Jake and his dead brother have the same DNA he can control the Avatar (again if you don’t know what the Avatars are they are a genetic copy of a blue elf cat person that you can “connect” to. Think “The Matrix” meets a remote controlled car). Now the date in this movie is something like 2154 or something. We can travel to far off lands, have cool ships, weapons and these cool Mech/Robot things controlled by being inside them (think the yellow loader thing at the end of the Aliens Sigourney Weaver jumps in to fight the Alien queen) and the whole “Avatar” technology, yet poor Jake is stuck in a fucked up crappy wheelchair?? Yes they make mention of fixing his spine (of course it costs money he doesn’t have or his military benefits don’t cover, yeah preachy point one within 10 mins of the movies start) but come on I’m suppose to believe that from 2010 to 2154 no advancements what-so-ever have happened to the invention of the wheelchair? I guess todays wheelchair technology is the best we have to look forward to if we ever loose the function of our legs. Yes there is hope for surgery if you have the money but other then that you are still stuck in the same crappy chair with big wheels. No auto-walker or nothing. Fuck this guy would have been better off with a Rascal Scooter or a Hoveround. Another thing with Jake is his character development. In the beginning before he plugs into the Thundercat he is the guy in the wheelchair, with a dead brother, who is just tossed in to this situation with no training or anything. You are suppose to feel bad for the guy. Clearly over his head in this situation. You root for him to do well because maybe he will get his legs back (his carrot in the movie when the big bad Army Colonel says some cliche shit like “You do good in this mission boy and I’ll see that you get your legs back…. Your real legs”). Yet none of that shit matters the second he puts on the Blue Man group suit. He can walk, run and jump. He forgets about his dead brother etc etc. I don’t understand why bother with all the character development if it really doesn’t have anything to do with the plot of the movie? Why wouldn’t Jakes brother just be the guy? What was with the cripple thing anyway? It serves no substance or point in this movie at all. I mean seriously think about it? Did any of the choices me made in this movie have anything to do with he dead brother, being in a wheelchair, or anything to do with Jake? Couldn’t anyone have been in this same position and have the same outcome? It had nothing to do with his character or the development of him in the beginning of the movie. The only reason we have Jake is because his brother died. Just seems like a useless subplot to me. I have more about Jake as a cat but will get to that later.

Now speaking of characters this is the most cliche batch of people I have seen in any movie. You have Giovanni Ribisi playing the same corporate douche that Paul Reiser did in Aliens. You have the Marine Colonel jarhead who you have seen a million times before. Over the top, old salty dog, kill-em-all type. The tough Latino chick (again think Pvt. Vasquez from Aliens) but when you drill down she has a heart of gold. And then the Thundercats. Just take every race (other then white) and mash them into one blue race. Black, Indian (feathers not dots), and Asian. The only thing that would have made them more of a cliche would have been if there were cat slaves mining for the unobtainium at the crack of the whip and a few Uncle TomCats serving food to the Marine Colonel.

Next lets talk about the FX. Enough with CGI and how great it is. It’s not great. Makes everything look fake and like a cartoon. Yes it looks better then movies did when I was a kid but there is something to be said about being subtle (the hair on King King, backdrops, skylines, a few creatures etc) but when everything is CGI it just looks like a cartoon. Another thing Big D (my friend) brings up about CGI and the difference of movies today then when I was younger is that it’s all about glitz and looks. What happen to the story driving the movie and not the other way around? Think Indiana Jones, The Road Warrior, Aliens, The Shawshank Redemption and even The Lord of the Rings. Yes the Lord of the Rings! The visuals enhanced the movie, but that movie was 100% about the story not the visuals. The visuals help tell the story, not make the story. So please stop talking about how awesome this movie was because of how great it looked. I guarantee that 6 months from now when this piece of shit comes out on DVD and you watch it at home (not IMAX and not in 3D) you are going to realize how shitty this movie was. “Is this the same movie I called the greatest movie ever 6 months ago? What the fuck was I thinking?” Another thing that really pisses me off is when people say “Dude this was the best 3D I have ever seen”?!?! Are you fuckin retarded? Life is in 3D. The real world is in 3D, I see better 3D sitting in my bed looking at the night stand then I ever have in a movie. I don’t need special glasses to wash out all the colors and give me a headache to make things in 3D, all I have to do is move my hand in front of my face and guess what “It looks like it’s coming right at me!!! and that is AMAZING 3D dude!”

Back to Jake, but not regular wheelchair Jake, but kitty Jake. Jake is a white guy (of course) and the Na’vi (those are the name for the smurfs) are all black-ish/indian-ish tribe people and of course they need white Jake to come in and save the day (Think Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai) . So you have this movie showing how racist white America is yet they go to the well once again to have the single white man save the day. To me that is just as racist. The magical white man who comes from the skypeople to help out the lost savages. Yeah I know, makes you want to puke right. Now of course after 2 or 3 hours (I lost count because this movie is so fuckin long it was like getting an all day root canal) The Marines attack the pussycats. Jake and his dragon bird swoop in and save the day. Mind you a few weeks earlier blue Jake couldn’t even fight off a few 6 legged dogs but now he is taking on the “Shock and Awe” of the Marines and kicking ass and taking names. Jumping from ship to dragon bird to ship fuckin’ ship like only a guy who use to be in a wheelchair can! At this point in the movie I thought to myself am I suppose to be rooting for the cats? Wait, aren’t they killing humans? I mean I was in the Army National Guard and I know some of these guys. It was either join the Army or work in the factory. They have kids, wives, husbands, moms and dads and well they are HUMANS! These cat people are killing all our children (hey if that saying works for the Iraq war why not the great cat wars of 2154) it’s not their war they are just trying to collect a paycheck and support their families back on Earth. And the epic battle of people with sticks taking out tanks and gunships is getting a little old and silly. It’s not realistic and honestly it’s a little played out. How people can watch this crap and think it’s believable or be swept away amazes me. I mean I know watching a movie you are suppose to suspend some disbelief but come on now a bow and arrow against a flying gun ship with rockets? I mean at one point when all the ships gather on the great tree of hope (or whatever the fuck it was called) all the cat people start firing arrows at the ships and they do exactly what they should, bounce the fuck off without a scratch. But 20 mins later these same arrows are flying through glass and killing pilots?!?! Wait these are war ships with armor and built for battle (I will assume with similar type of gun ships, think F14 vs Russian Mig) yet arrows can blast right through the glass? I mean that shit isn’t bullet-proof? Fuck my local bank has stronger glass to protect the tellers then these ships have. I mean these gun ships seemed to be using low-tech auto glass. But of course the cats and dragon birds win!! Woooohoooo!!! And send the Earth people packing back home with countless bodies in tow. Again am I suppose to be happy about this? I’m sorry but fuck the Naive Na’vi and ……

Fuck Jake. Jake failed and caused ALL this shit, yup all the countless cat deaths and human deaths. It all lies on his shoulders and his alone…….. Wait you weren’t paying attention when you watched this movie? Let me explain. Jake’s initial mission was to just protect the scientists and find the Na’vi’s carrot to get them to move from their life tree (I guess the biggest quantity of unobtainium is just below this tree) so we can mine there. Not once does he ask the cats or even mention anything about this. I mean with all the technology couldn’t we just build the mine and a few weeks have the cats move back in to their tree? I’ve seen mines its just a little unobtrusive hole in the ground, everything else is done underground. I think Jake could have said “Hey cats, there is this stuff buried underground that my people really need for the survival of our planet (if that’s what that shit does, because as I said they never really did explain what unobtainium was) and it would be great if we could work something out. I know this tree is very important to you and all but if you resist some of my people are kind of bat shit crazy and will blow the fuck out of this place. They sent me to talk this out and see what kind of agreement we can come to and work something out. Hell we will even let you build some casinos back on Earth when we are done here. You seem like rational people and understand logic and reason I’m sure we can work something out. Or hey maybe you know a better spot where we can maybe get this unobtainium stuff”. But nope he just becomes a traitor with all disregard for human life what-so-ever, not once trying to come to any solution at all. Fuck the dude didn’t even try catnip. Try something Jake, anything.

So there you have it, I hated Avatar and everything about it. I’m sure I will think of more but for now this is my review of Avatar. I can’t think of one good thing about the movie…. Wait that’s not true, it was a great day hanging with my little bro, getting Kelly’s after and just chilling with him, so at least it wasn’t a total waste.