I know a lot of you were looking forward to my smallpox pie this year, but I regret to inform you that my annual Columbus Day party is canceled……. WTF I mean seriously who the hell “celebrates” Columbus Day? I have never heard anyone say “Dude what up for Columbus Day? Any parties going on?”. And really “Indigenous Peoples Day”??

We ALL have a dark past of our history. The “Indigenous people” of America murdered each other in tribal wars, preformed human sacrifices and wait for it… wait for it…. EVEN OWNED SLAVES. Now I’m not saying two wrongs make a right but come one, these people are acting like the “indigenous people” were right out of a Disney cartoon or even worse like the blue morons of Avatar. Leaving in a utopia, hand in hand with the animals and living in total peace until the evil white man fucked that all up. Native Africans sold out their own people as slaves to the evil white man. I’m so fuckin tired of all you thin skinned offended people always blaming me “the white man” for all the worlds wrongs. You all have some shitty stuff in your past and not to mention you’re all really cunty btw. So just relax.

I have an amazing idea, we could create a national “I’m Sorry Day”. Will that make you all feel better? We can have a day to remember all the bad shit that WE ALL have done over the years and to also include the new shit we will probably do sometime in the future? I can look at my fellow man and say “Hey sorry for that Rodney King thing” and he could reply “That’s ok man, sorry for the riots”. Maybe I could go up to someone and saying “Sorry for killing your people and stealing your land” which he could reply “No worries, today is half price buffets at the casinos and sorry for showing you all that tobacco shit which in turn killed hundreds of million of people since then, fuck it half price on smokes today also”, I could go up to my wife and say “Hey hun sorry about that whole not being able to vote for all those years” and she can reply “That’s ok, sorry for not giving you a blow job since our wedding night”. It will all work out and we can all just apologize for all the travesties over the years. What do ya say… With me?

So to start off my National Sorry Day, On behalf of me and all my Jewish people I’d like to apologize for taking over Hollywood… Oh yeah and Michael Bolton too